Have you ever been to a family function or event in which someone DECIDES that they are going to be the comedian for the night even though they have no formal training, experience or talent? They have taken it upon themselves be the ones that put the whole audience in stitches…except that they are painfully not funny…and they don’t know it?

Perhaps it was at a wedding where the best man got up and brutally embarrassed the groom (formerly his best friend) by bringing up super painful humiliating inside jokes and anecdotes in which the groom looks like a jerk/loser or idiot. How is that helpful in the context of a wedding? Inevitably though the speaker bombs and the audience doesn’t laugh but is instead left feeling anxious and uncomfortable. What a horrible way to celebrate right?

To be honest, I don’t know why the heck they do this, but I can tell you what is at play when someone TRIES to be funny vs. using humor in a speech.

I actually just had a participant in one of my public speaking courses attempt to be “funny” in a speech and it was beyond painful to watch. The student initially came off very sweet and well natured. However, when he worked on the assignment which was to create a mock ceremony speech (similar to the one you would do in a wedding or family gathering) he made a choice to use “comedy” and wrote material that he thought would get a good reaction from an audience for its harshness and offensive perspective. As you can imagine there was a big disconnect from what he had envisioned in his mind when he wrote the speech to what ended up happening when he delivered it.

Experiencing the presentation felt like when you hear an opera singer try to sing pop. In most cases, it can be jarring to your ears and feel really off for everyone involved.

In the case of the student, I noticed that he was not using his authentic voice or point of view, he was also trying to make FUN OF and be mean as opposed to simply finding humor in a situation, and he also kept looking to the audience for approval which he wasn’t getting (unfortunately he kept going regardless).

Fortunately, though, the incident became a great teaching lesson for me in terms of how people perceive comedy and humor and how they ineffectively incorporate it into their speech completely missing the mark every time.

Here are 3 things to be aware of when you are crafting a presentation and want to use humor in it:

1. Be Genuine: Write your material for your unique speaking voice. Are you someone is very direct and to the point? Do you like to compliment people? Or are you someone who is very theatrical and likes to use funny voices? Be aware of the kinds of things you do in conversations that you like and that you feel are effective in getting your point across.

2. Tell a story instead of making FUN OF: I think a lot of people look at comedians (especially stand-up comics) and try to envision how they (the comedian) would deliver a certain line or how they would spin a cynical perspective on a subject. The way I always suggest clients use humor is by sharing something personal in which they messed up or a scenario in which something didn’t work out the way they had wanted it to. If the speaker positions themselves at the center of the narrative as a character that wanted to achieve a goal and a catastrophic huge/awful/silly/crazy/weird/or stupid force stopped them from getting what they wanted then they have the foundation of humor. Conflict is the foundation of comedy. All humor grows from tragedy, not from merely saying hurtful things about someone else. A clear conflict and point of view go a lot further in terms of entertaining an audience than just talking dirty or bringing up someone else’s painful past. Again, share a story in which you and the other person did something heroic and overcame a challenge together…instead of just ripping them a new one. The more detailed you are about everything that stopped you from getting what you want the more the audience will relate to your struggle and laugh as a form of identifying with your plight.

3. Connect with the audience by giving them a GIFT: When creating your speech think of yourself as someone who is providing a gift to an audience. That is why you went up and decided to present. If you are tasked with giving a speech at a wedding then think about who the audience is. More often than not they are there to celebrate and support the bride and groom on a huge turning point in their lives. I don’t care if EVERYBODY at the reception knows that the couple is not going to last the year together, it is not the time or place to call it out when the toasts are happening. Remember, people are just enduring the toasts until dinner comes out. The gift you can give the audience is being sincere and getting to the point faster. Craft your speech to be clear, concise, and helpful in some way. Another gift might just be keeping things super positive. If there is some “backstage drama” going on behind the scenes (like a shotgun wedding for example) then don’t be the one to call it out, but instead, bring up something optimistic and hopeful. It might put everyone at ease, and help them feel good as they dig into their chicken or fish entrees. Positivity also feels better to receive than anger and cynicism which is what happens when speakers “TRY” to be funny.

It can take years (YEARS-trust me) to figure out what painful things you want to share with an audience on stage, as well as acquiring the necessary skills and experience to be so proficient at it that you elicit laughs. Many speakers think they can “kill it” at a wedding or ceremony by writing down hurtful offensive things about the people being celebrated and imagining how a famous comedian would deliver it. As we know, the results are often abysmal and painful to watch. I invite you to instead create a compelling story in which you are being authentic and sharing something positive. This approach will definitely make you look great, and perhaps make the evening more fun!

Have you ever seen a speaker that was so captivating and thrilling that time seemed to disappear? An hour flies by without you checking your phone or thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner. For me, this is often followed by a feeling of deep jealousy and envy wishing that I could be as dynamic and powerful on stage as they were. For many of my clients, however, what accompanies witnessing a flawless performance is a feeling of inferiority and a sense that they could never be as good.

Fortunately, there is no magic pill or secret to what it takes to be an awesome live presenter. The only way to truly “crush it” as a speaker is to get up as much as possible and perform in front of an audience.

In comedy and music, there are open mics that offer budding performers stage time to practice their craft. In most cases, comedians and singers are given 5-15 minutes to try out new material or work on their rapport with a crowd.

As speakers though, it’s much more challenging to find a forum to hone your skills in front of a live crowd. This is a detriment to many starting speakers because they don’t have the opportunity to test their stuff and get instant feedback. With music the more you practice your instrument the better you will get. With public speaking however you can’t gauge the effectiveness of your speaking without the public piece of it. You won’t know if your main points are compelling or effective. You won’t know if you are pacing too much or too little, or if your voice jumps 2 octaves when people are looking at you.

To combat this I always suggest to my clients that they create a “dress rehearsal” in which they dress fancy and invite people to see them deliver their talk. The rehearsal performance is crucial when they’re preparing for a big speech because it provides them a safe forum to experiment and prepare with very little consequences.

Here are 3 things you can do to create your own opportunity to practice your speech in front of a live crowd so that you can learn what you need to work on and what you are doing amazingly well (yes there is a possibility that you are actually a good speaker).

1. Find a neutral space like a library conference room, local recreation center meeting room or classroom, or local theatre. You might have access to a room at your church, synagogue, mosque or any club/organization that you belong to. It’s a huge benefit to get a space that is not your home because it adds an air of legitimacy to the experience. It feels more professional and gives you a flavor of what it will be like when you do present in a foreign environment.

By doing away with your “home court” advantage you will also open yourself up to adapting to your space and adjusting your volume and movement accordingly. It can be very challenging to shift your performance style if you’ve been rehearsing at home quietly in front of the mirror (a practice I don’t recommend) to all of a sudden having to increase your volume so that people in the back of the room will be able to hear and see you.

2. Invite people (friends, family, colleagues from work, etc). When we present in front of living breathing humans all sorts of things can change. We can find ourselves more self-conscious and/or nervous. All of sudden there are eyes on us and we become aware that our content has to be interesting. Many of my clients tell me how much they hate when all eyes are on them. As a performer though let me tell you, it’s much worse when you are in front of an audience and their eyes are NOT on you but instead entrenched in their phones or on the wall. When we bring guests to our rehearsal we get instant feedback on which parts of our content hold the audience’s focus and which parts need to more clarification and specificity.

Also, when presenting in front of people you might get nervous and your voice will go higher and your breath support might disappear.

For what it’s worth, I still get anxious before certain speeches or shows and focusing on my breathing can be a huge tool to ground me, and to get my voice rooted and sounding more honest. Having a safe scenario in which you can practice solving these issues is one of the best forms of preparation for live speaking.

3. Finally, I suggest recording the rehearsal. I know that something people often hate more than speaking on stage is speaking on camera. However, taping yourself can be a great way to not only see what areas you want to fix but also to see what worked really well. There have been many times that I recorded a performance and was amazed to watch it later. Sure, my immediate impulse was to be hypercritical of the way I look and sound. However, once I got past that initial shock of seeing myself I was able to glean some positive realizations that were different from what I might have experienced on stage. People laughed at my jokes more than I thought they had, or the point I thought I wasn’t as clear ended up being pretty effective.

Sometimes you might find that you said something that was unexpected that was a gem you could use to create a whole other speech, blog, or video. When watching the recording, look for what you like about yourself as a speaker. What do you feel really worked? Build on that instead of just tearing yourself apart. Seeing were you actually rock is much more helpful than looking for mishaps and flaws. We want to build on what works, what you do naturally and authentically, and what makes you awesome. If you look for negative things you’ll always find them. Look for the positive and you’ll have much more fun!

A lot of people swear by Toastmasters as a great place to test your speeches in front of an audience. If organizations like that work for you then, by all means, do it! However, if they aren’t your cup of tea then creating your own opportunities to practice and perfect your speeches is definitely the way to go. Having the space to test your content in front of people is incredibly informative and will help you grow into the speaker you’ve always dreamed of being. I guarantee you that the flawless speaker that enthralled you didn’t get there by solely practicing in front of the mirror. I’m sure they’ve logged many hours on stages (small and large) and potentially even sucked in the beginning. If you want to eventually be as confident and free as they appear then I strongly recommend get out and speak! Your future speaking self with thank you for it!

I once had a 45-minute panic attack during a performance in front of a very tough audience. I had been performing and teaching for years and loving it. However, this specific show was during a particularly rough time in my life and unfortunately, panic attacks were quite frequent at the time. It also didn’t help that the show was in a small event room packed to the brim with angry looking elderly people that didn’t find me funny or charming. It was a perfect storm of personal stress, claustrophobia, and self-doubt. So when the attack hit, I wasn’t surprised, just extremely uncomfortable.

Fortunately, I remember thinking “this is exactly what many of my clients go through every time they go up on stage to do their speeches.” It ended up being an amazing educational experience, one that put me in the clients’ shoes, and one that forced me to personally see if my tools for overcoming stage panic really worked! I am proud to say, they all did!

The major trick that got me through the anxiety attack was ADAPTION.

MOVING: By moving around and positioning myself in different parts of the room I was able to take the attention off of me and direct the audience’s focus on something else for a little bit. This gave me just enough time to catch my breath and regain some semblance of mental order. Interestingly, the panic attack subsided as soon as all eyes were away from me. It reminded me that I was going to be ok after the show and that I could get through it. At times, I stood to the side of the audience or even behind them a few times while directing their attention to the powerpoint that was front and center.

ENGAGING VISUALS: I always invite speakers to use any means necessary to take eyes off of them! A visually interesting powerpoint can be a great tool if done correctly. Nobody will thank you for cramming your slides with chunks of written content and poorly organized pictures that don’t relate to what you’re talking about. However, if you keep written words to clear bullet points, and use 1 or 2 pictures that convey emotions and perfectly illustrate the impact of your topic then audiences will have something to engage in…that’s not you. They will be so fixated on the pretty visuals, that they won’t notice you doing breathing exercises in the back. This will give you the necessary few moments you’ll need to regain confidence to get through the presentation.

COMFORT ZONE: I’m a big fan of working WITH-IN your comfort zone. The notion of working OUTSIDE of it makes no sense to me. It has been my experience that people will push themselves only as far as they are will to go at that particular point in life. This doesn’t mean that next you won’t feel more apt to try something that scared you a month ago. It just means that it’s more effective to be sensitive to where you are today, and what you need to do to feel good in the moment. Working within your boundaries is a much more reasonable approach when it comes to speaking if you have a fear of it. Find where you ARE comfortable in the room or with the content. Perhaps there’s a section that you are super confident about. How can you bring that confidence into other sections of the speech? Or is there something that makes you uncomfortable about a particular topic you are talking about? Is there a way of retooling the content in a way that makes you as excited as the other section? The key is to take care of yourself, and genuinely be aware of which parts of the process you actually enjoy (or at least don’t hate as much).

So, the point is, that is your duty to ONLY do what makes you comfortable. If it’s a matter of moving around, or changing your materials to fit your unique voice and point of view it is up to you to take control of your environment as a speaker so that you can feel more powerful and confident. Trust me, your audience will thank you for it!